LYCHEE: Thank the SUVs

Southern California has apparently (or is damn close) to reaching the title of wettest year ever in the history of record keeping about the wetness of each year. I am so glad all those rumors about global warming are not true. On one hand, I imagine all the SUV owners I daily curse are thinking “I’ve got my money’s worth now.” Or at least the one honking his horn behind me I cautiously proceeded through the monsoon last night. In my economical compact car that gets 30 to 35 mpg I thought it wise to wait and see if they car in front of me made it through the lake in the intersection. At first I felt I should apologize for being so cheap (economical) for not going thousands of dollars in debt and getting an SUV, but then I realized, hey, if it weren’t for guys like the one honking behind me, we might not be getting all this rain. The Universe has poured down on Southern California what it has earned. Taking for granted all the beautiful weather and trees and wealth that so many earn from this beautiful place on earth, flaunting it, wasting it, destroying it with our own egos. I apologize to all the otherwise good people who have convinced themselves that SUVs are not destroying our universe and are not representations of the materialistic, consumerist, egotistical culture of Americans. I really have worked hard to not think badly about you as a whole person. In fact, I have dear friends who drive SUVs. I just don’t get it. They are not sexy or attractive cars. They don’t really fit on the narrow streets of Los Angeles. They don’t fit in the numerous compact parking spots in LA (though many do not seem to realize this). So, if you are working on your plans to seduce me, get a motorcycle or a sleek sports car that cradles you in well-sculpted seats, the kind of car that makes it difficult to keep your hands to yourself. How did this turn into an erotic sports car fantasy. Must be the cute guy sitting across the café. He probably drives a Hummer.