DEAR ALIZARIN: My muck-free life

I have been hoping you would write first, but, alas, I miss you and so am writing because I have not been able to talk to you. I am also worried about you and hope you know you and your family are in my prayers. However, as I think you would want, I am going to carry on until you return.

This week's revelation: men just muck things up. No, I actually haven't met anyone new, but attempted to put myself 'out there' as any modern, techgirl would -- an online ad. A friend of mine in L.A. has been dating. "Where do you meet all these men?" I asked, wondering what secret place I was missing. "Yahoo Personals," she replied. I was relieved that I wasn't as clueless as I felt. Well, I could do that, so I went and checked out the prospects. There were a few hopefuls, so I spent an hour or so putting up my humble ad (more time than I am proud to admit spending on such a frivolous task).

Within hours the responses started rolling in so quickly I could not keep up. Keep up with deleting them all, that is. Despite my criteria for men within 5 years of my age and 5 miles of my home (ok, maybe 10) I got responses from men 10 years outside my age and 50 miles from my home. One even from the east coast. While being his L.A. woman may see like a prize slot to him, I don't really see how would benefit. Then, there are the ones who choose to just send an instant message. (Since I refused to pay for the service, I realized IMs where the only way I could really respond, so I logged in.) First, I love the approaches, most just with a bad opening line and no offer to show me his profile, like I am have nothing else to do but chat to someone I know completely nothing about. Here are some favorite lines (all paraphrases and composites, of course):

Dork#1: Hey, there beautiful!

Dork #2: Wow! You have the best smile. I REALLY want to see you in person.

(Ok, I am not hideous, but I am not that stunning. First step is to make me believe the compliment.)

Dork #3: Do you have any more pictures? I need lots and lots of pictures. Something full body would be nice. Do you have a webcam?

(What, am I some free online personal porn star?)

Dork #4: Do you consider yourself conservative or liberal in a relationship?

(Not exactly the most inviting conversational style. He got really offended when I told him we had a communication gap and should stop here.)

Also, apparently in the online ad world, yoga is code for kinky sex positions. Ok, I can see how yoga, as with all parts of one's life, could enhance sex, I think that would only work if both were really dedicated to yoga practice, which, from what I could, none of them were. I am not your fucking (literally) yoga Barbie.

After about three days of this (I was hoping one of those few hopefuls would send a message, but, of course, they didn't), I took the ad down. I did learn that I am way too busy to chat online. I also realized many men are much more boring than the friends I already have (male and female). So, when someone comes along who can have a conversation without relating yoga to sex and is willing to work around my school, yoga, salsa, and choir schedules, well, then, maybe I will consider allowing my life to be mucked up a bit. Until then . . .

Aren't you thankful you are already married.

Rereading over that, do I sound bitter? I am not. I am just really, really happy with my life. Really.

Love,

Lychee