DEAR ALIZARIN: Starbucks does not cut Lychee's Fruit Diet

Not to be confused with a lychee fruit diet. That would be cannibalism.

Heading out to Malibu today we stopped at the swanky Albertson's in Calabasas, outfitted, of course, with a Starbucks stand (cause who can make it through that gigantic store without some caffeine -- well, my yoga instructor who I guess would just have to stop along the way to do a handstand to rejuvenate himself). With this instruction still in my head from yoga class, I attempted to resist getting a coffee product. I excitedly went to order a Strawberries and Crème Frappaccino. No only is it no caffeinated, but it also fits in with my 'fruit diet' (remember you heard it hear first, copyrighted via blog -- is that possible -- at this moment!)

The fruit diet is incredibly simple. Anything with real fruit in any form is acceptable for eating. Meats and non-fruit items must be considered only if they are in low-fat, preservative free form. Same with fruit, except, it overrules any carbohydrates. It is really quite easy. For example, pie. Pie is totally in limits as long as it is fruit pie made with fruit that was fresh (canned fruit and fruit preserved for eternity in sticky syrup do not count because it is not really fruit). Likewise, while a chocolate chip scone or a 'raspberry' scone that has no actual evidence of raspberry beside the blob of red plopped in the middle that resembles a bleeding wound more than a raspberry are off-limits, a blueberry scone with discernable blueberries (or any other type of fruit, in which case it would not be a blueberry scone) is perfectly acceptable. Muffins are difficult as they can be deceiving. Sometimes, trying to fool followers of Lychee's Fruit Diet, muffin makers will sprinkle a few blueberries on the top but actually, the muffin is void of blueberries and is more like cake in the form of a muffin. However, the bakers of Avila Village Deli exemplify the true blueberry muffin, which is acceptable for followers of the LFD. This muffin has whole blueberries oozing throughout the muffin and usually leaves a bluish tinge on the eater's fingertips.

So, at the Starbucks stand in the Albertsons, I am all excited about the Strawberries and Crème Frappaccino. Then, I see in the green tea frappaccino description some sort of flavored syrup listed. Hm. My choice's description is a bit vague. I catch the young, blond, prepubescent barista (baristo?) before he gets to my order.

"Does it use real strawberries or just strawberry flavored syrup?” I ask.

"Well, kind of."

"Kind of real or kind of syrup?" I attempt to find clarity.

"It has real strawberries in it,” he tries to explain as he pulls out a box resembling a box of soy milk from under the counter. “We use this . . . “At a loss for words to describe it, he places the box of 'strawberries' on the counter. I look and see in the ingredients: water, high fructose corn syrup, strawberries . . . I've read enough. And we wonder what is wrong with this country. Never, ever would this happen in Costa Rica where I could get a fresh fruit shake (with real fruit that has real flavor) and organic coffee for under three dollars.

So, I went, of course, for the 'all natural' regular coffee frappaccino (almost fell for the 'light' but it has NutraSweet in it).

"Did you want whipped cream on that," he asked.

"Sure, just a dab," I said, not wanting to be too much of a problem.