DEAR ALIZARIN: Motivating inspired ambition

Motivation. As JL mused, how do we find the motivation to do those things we don't want to do, yet we must do in order to be able to do the things we want to do. Just finishing med school and moving into a residency program, I have no doubt that he knows the challenges of this dilemma (and has admirably overome it).

On the other hand, being on my two month vacation, I do not need much motivation to do anything since I have nothing I have to do unless I want to do it. Rather, I seem to seek inspriation. I suppose this should come from within, but I cannot seem to muster it lately (as these blog entries probably reflect).

Maybe I just lack the motivation to do what needs to be done to be inspired.

Or perhaps it is lack of organization since I always get bogged down in the business of life (i.e. today I had to make calls to switch my ISP as my SBC contract finally expired and to coordinate email changes, etc.).

Or is it lack of ambition. Over brunch, M, high on my list of admirable people in LA, commented about how her lack of ambition led to her writing career in LA to consist mainly of her one stint as part of one of the studio writing competitions. The fame of screenwriting was something she simply could do without and, in fact, pales in comparison to reality. Same could be said for my editing career, or even my teaching career. But is ambition really a sign of superior motives or is it a way to avoid living life as individual? JL contemplates if a career in medicine is possible without losing oneself and without high ambitions. But why do we have to be ambitious? Isn't enough to want to do a good job fulfilling our basic responsibilties and then also have time to indulge in our own interests and passions, to enjoy the flow of life? To be a good teacher, must I dedicate hours of overtime to visiting students in their homes (as one article suggested)? Should I have to give up my yoga classes and my friends to be the top in my profession? Do I even have to want reach such a pinnacle? I would like to think not, but if so, I will gladly forego the kudos of the powers that be and live my unambitious life, an inspriation to all those who are motivated to keep the beauty of frivolity and lazy Saturday mornings alive and well.

DEAR ALIZARIN: Virgins, Sex, Paul, and the Today Show

This morning, feeling the effects of my hermit-like habits on vacation, I decided to watch the Today Show to check the pulse of the nation. Thankfully, the big news that President Bush did not see Brokeback Mountain has died down. Today, the feature story, highlighted in two segments, one in each hour of the show, was about "What Women Really Want from Men." The conclusion: men want sex, woman want intimacy.

Last night I attended the weekly discussion group from my church. I arrived thorougly confused about how these verses fit together ( Jonah 3:1-5, 10, Ps 62: 5-12, 1 Cor 7:29-31, Mk 1:14-20). Something about Jonah telling a city they would all die. The entire city fasts and God saves them. A psalm about suffering and God's mercy. Then Paul's letter about how virgins should stay virgins and, if you were unfortunate enough to marry, well, stay married, but don't remmarry because pleasing your spounse just distracts you from your mission for God ( not God's word, just his opinion). Then Mark telling us about Jesus rounding-up his disciples, who dropped all their work and possessions to follow him. I'm not buying a lot of this and can't think how it applies to us today (unless you are a right-wing ultraconsertive Christian who likes to take this like this passage without saying it is not God's word, but only Paul's opinion).

My point?

Detachment. After discussion, I concluded this is the common factor. Refer back to the mystifying, and, initiall,y for many of us, I think, disconcerting assertions of Paul . Really, though, it is about detachment from worldly concerns in order to allow the holiness of your life come forth, a concept that I think is more clearly explained by Buddha. In my limited study of Buddhism, detachment is the key to end suffering as it is our attachments to material things (including people) or concepts (including who we want to be and what love should looked like) that distracts us from our true divine nature. Thus, Paul might have been a bit short-sighted in his advice, since it is not sex or marriage in itself that keeps us from connecting to the divine within us, but our attachment to either of these things. Thus, if we could enjoy them in each moment rather than attaching greater meaning to them, elevating them above the love of God, then both are compatiable with our nature as divine beings first and earthly beings for the moment. (In discussing this concept of detachement with my students as an introduction to Siddhartha -- an admission in email which might cost me my job if Bush and his wiretappers are alert -- their number one questions was, "Does that mean that if you are a Buddhist you never have sex or can have sex with anyone and not have any obligation to them?" For the record, I said something like, "No. Because they also believe in non-violence and harmony and sex with out consideration for another would be creating disharmony." Then I quickly shifted the topic back to our overview of Buddhism.) Anyway, sounds a lot like Psalms and Paul's letter.

Thus, as this Today show story distracts our media's attention from creating a national dialogue about how to create peace in our world, it metaphorically shows how our empahsis on our attachments in this world (in this case, our attachment to finding someone to partner with to feel loved and valid) distracts us from nuturing our relationship with God and the peace and love we have within ourselves as divine beings. Instead of a story exacerbating the dichotomy between men a women (a dichotomy much created by such media coverage) and the reinforcing the social expectation that our purpose is to find a partner despite this dichotomy, why not cover the grandmas who have been arrested in NYC and Arizona trying to join the army so they can go to Iraq and meet with Iraqi grandmas to negotiate peace (see current issue of Ms. Magazine for that story)? Asked another way, why can we not accept our worth as part of God's universe without attaching ourselves to others or things or concepts of value to this world.

Namaste,
Lychee

DEAR ALIZARIN: A Pathetic Attempt to Keep this Blog Current

Welcome to the next edition of getting to know your friends. You know the drill so try not to be LAME and spoil the fun! Just give in. Copy (not forward) this entire e-mail and paste it into a new e-mail you can send. Change all the answers so that they apply to you and then, send this to a whole bunch of people you know, INCLUDING THE PERSON WHO SENT IT TO YOU.

1. WHAT COLOR ARE YOUR KITCHEN PLATES?
blue, grey, white (the 'good ones'); white and green (for when the 'good ones' are all dirty); white, orange, brown (for dessert)

2. WHAT BOOK ARE YOU READING
Lies and the Lying Liars That Tell Them; Anatomy of the Spirit

3. WHAT IS ON YOUR MOUSE PAD?
Have a trackball

4. FAVORITE BOARD GAME?
Scrabble

5. LEAST FAVORITE SMELLS?
what kind of question is this? Anything that smells to warn me to leave the room or not eat it. I think that covers most of it. And cigarette smoke.

6. WHAT IS THE FIRST THING YOU THINK OF WHEN YOU WAKE UP IN THE
MORNING?
What day is it and do I have to be anywhere before noon because I love my bed and don't want to be separated from it.

7. FAVORITE COLOR?
earthy tones

8. LEAST FAVORITE COLOR?
neons

9. HOW MANY RINGS UNTIL YOU ANSWER THE PHONE?
however many it takes me to get down the stairs and find the phone

10. FUTURE CHILD'S NAME
Which future child? What do you know? I don't want a future child!

11. CHOCOLATE OR VANILLA?
depends on what? Ice cream? soy milk? chocolate chocolate/ vanilla soymilk

12. DO YOU LIKE TO DRIVE FAST?
I live and drive in LA so am not sure what this feels like

13. DO YOU SLEEP WITH A STUFFED ANIMAL?
Not anymore, unless you count them watching over me from the loft

14. DO YOU LIKE THUNDERSTORMS?
Absolutely

15. WHAT WAS YOUR FIRST CAR?
Red Mazda 323 (no, not 626, it really was a 323 -- the uber- economy version)

16. IS YOUR HOUSE CLEAN OR MESSY RIGHT NOW?

No. (These are not opposites. This should read 'neat or messy' or 'clean or dirty.' )

17. DO YOU EAT THE STEMS OF BROCCOLI?
Yes

18. IF YOU COULD HAVE ANY JOB WHAT WOULD IT BE?
Yogi-cowgirl-adventurer-rock star

19. IF YOU COULD HAVE ANY COLOR HAIR, WHAT WOULD IT BE?
Auburn

20. IS THE GLASS HALF FULL OR HALF EMPTY?
Half full. Hopefully with a nice red wine.

21. FAVORITE MOVIE?
Brazil; Cleo 5 to 7
22. DO YOU TYPE WITH YOUR FINGERS ON THE RIGHT KEYS?
Yes. Otherwise this would look like h3x

23. WHAT'S UNDER YOUR BED?
probably dust

24. YOUR SINGLE BIGGEST INTENSE PAIN?
PMS/Cramps

25. PERSON MOST LIKELY TO RESPOND?
Why, Cooper, just because I have two months off? Yogi Bear. None of my friends will respond. Well, maybe Eva if she is procrastinating. Amy, but she is out of the country.

26. PERSON YOU SENT THIS TO WHO IS LEAST LIKELY TO RESPOND?
All of you busy little beavers.

27. KETCHUP OR MUSTARD?
Both mixed together.

28. HAMBURGER OR HOT DOG?
Trader Joe's Garlic Portobello Mushroom Burgers

29. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE SEASON?
Spring and Fall

30. THE BEST PLACE YOU HAVE EVER BEEN?
Monteverde, Costa Rica

31. WHAT SCREEN SAVER IS ON YOUR COMPUTER RIGHT NOW?
Random from my Pictures

32. FAVORITE FAST FOOD?
Trader Joe's Salads

33. WHAT IS YOUR BIRTH NAME?
If you don't know my name, why would you be reading this?

DEAR ALIZARIN: My other friends at least write about me

Grooveva rocks.

And I am not just saying that because she wrote the most flattering blog about our New Year's adventures. Actually, it is just the most flattering thing anyone has written about me. Ever. In fact, I don't think anyone has written about me in public forum. I guess that could be a good thing.

Really, she saved me that day from self-destruction after a very tough transition into the New Year. I'll just say it is so personal and distressing that I cannot even make it into a witty blog entry. Yet, nothing that true friends like Grooveva and Alizarin cannot help you move beyond.

So, hi-five back at you Grooveva!

DEAR ALIZARIN: Meeting People Practice Session #1

Taking your advice about how to meet more people, I made a point on my travels to Florida to talk to as many people as I could. First, I chatted with this woman in line in front of me. Well, she started, but I practiced by asking her if she was going home or leaving for vacation. It only took one question and then I just had to practice my attentive listening. Why can't it be this easy with men? Next, I talked to the older woman seated next to me on the plane. Her and her husband were in LA for the Rose Bowl and heading back home. I felt I did a noble job keeping up the conversation though we really didn't have much to say to each other. However, it was nice to make friends with those who might help me if the plane crashed.

Finally, hours after waking up at 5am, I arrive. I am not longer concerned with making you proud of my social progress. Instead, I am getting really annoyed with how pushy everyone is and how everyone thinks that standing with their shins to the baggage carousel will make their luggage appear more quickly. I have no desire to talk to anyone at this point. I get a spot where I can see the bags coming out on the other side of the carousel and engage in some light yoga stretching to release the tension in my neck.

"Mumble, mumble, mumble," I realize this guy is talking to me.
"Excuse me?" I say.
"We don't have much margin for erra," he repeats, pointing to the two centimeters between us and the rubber curtain that brushes away unclaimed luggage. I pause for a moment to decode the thick Boston accent. I realize he has skipped step #1 and jumped right into #2 and #3.
"Um, yeah, well, I guess you just have to wait for it come around again. Thankfully, I 'm not in a rush now," I lamely answer, totally taken off guard by this master of the 4 Simple Steps to Meeting People.

We discussed baggage pick-up woes and the commonness of the big black bag, ways to make a generic black bag stand out from the crowd. I longingly told of my bright blue suitcase, left home for this trip. He was as adept at #4 (listening) as #2 and #3.

Fulfilling his own prophesy, he misses his bag the first time around. Though, I didn't see much of an attempt to grab it. I spy my bag emerge. I have a red ribbon tied on mine. "Ah, smart," he says. He gets his bag and doesn't move. Then, he wait so he can get my bag off the carousel for me.

We started to make our way through the crowds still craning for a glimpse of their luggage. Not wanting to let him have the upperhand on the 4 Simple Steps. I stopped, turned and thanked him, adding, for dramatic flair, "In all my years of travel no one ever offered to help get my bag off the carousel for me." He modestly shrugged and we continued weaving through the crowd. Of course, this once, my mother was very prompt and right outside the door. As I sat in the car, I knew you would be as proud of my conversation adventures as I was satisfied that chivalry is not completely dead.

DEAR ALIZARIN: Eating words

Finally, my sister and I find an activity we both want to do. We are going to the Body Worlds or Body Works or whatever it is exhibit which I woefully missed in LA and have t hear about how AMAZING it was. I am totally psyched I have a chance to see it!!! Though she referred to as the 'controversial' exhibit. Apparently some groups tried to ban it because it uses real human bodies. I said, "This is why I do not live in FL." Later, I found out the exhibit was not the one in LA, but an imitation, and the controversy was because it used unclaimed bodies from China, which really kind of made me regretful that I went, though it was fascinating to see. However, the fact that they only had the imitation exhibit still justified my mantra: "This is why I do not live in Florida." As if there are not enough reasons already.

Then, my family got annoyed because I could not find Brokeback Mountain playing anywhere. My mom wants to see it. I said, "Really?!" "I know what it is about," she sighed with exasperation and sarcasm. Hm. Wonder where I get it from. I don't see it playing anywhere. Then my mother exclaims, "Do THEY have that much power that they control what movies play." Welcome to the south. (Again, in fact, I must eat my words, as it opened this weekend -- but only in 2 theaters. However, Salt Lake City is apparently not so progressive.)

Thus, on the verge of having to reevaluate my cultural superiority to Florida, my sister took me to a place to watch the Bucs game where they serve food in dog bowls and the waitresses had on short shorts with dog paws on the butt cheeks.

DEAR ALIZARIN: Pi and other mysteries of the universe

We all know that Pi equals 3.14. Repeating. We know what it is and we know that we do not know where it ends and somehow, we all live with that without anxiety and worry and without having to make up some lie to cover the fact that we do not know where Pi really ends.

Yet, with almost everything else we weave illusions and tell tall tales to ourselves and others -- our own expansive world of mythology -- to cover the fact that we do not know whatever it is we long to know or to cover the ugliness of ourselves we do not want to believe.

And they work, these illusions. Or so we think. Then a wind comes in and holes form. And we don't know anything. Like the beautiful, stable boat we have been sailing along in, sailing away from that person who is your Pi -- sweet, delicious, and evil without an end or explanation. We love the boat, we love our new journey, only to realize that we forgot to cut the very, very, very long rope and the tugging as the length is reached jerks you across the boat and a pain you thought you would never feel again rediscovers you. But you know, that it is not the end. You cut the rope, but you remember that, no matter where you cut off pi, it repeats, endlessly, regardless of what you do.

So, my new year's resolution is to stop trying to figure out my pi. I will choose the best story, go with it, and let pi keep repeating itself. Leave happy, well-wrapped endings for the likes of Hollywood. I still have my boat and while salt water sometimes splashes in to remind me that my wounds are still open, I can glide forward knowng this. This is my resolution to strive towards resolution, to not let the past sink me or anchor me to where I no longer want to be.

I also will eat better and exercise and be kind to others and myself. And I will wish for world peace and all that other good stuff.

Lychee