In others' eyes

To see myself from others' eyes -- an eye-opening experience, good or
bad, long to have.

Rather than finishing writing my final exams, I am writing this.
Tomorrow, as each bell rings, the realization that I should have done
something else than what I am about to do will dawn on me. Too
late. At least three times a class I will walk back to my desk to
find a file or paper or marker I forgot to have prepared. Like
papers in the wind, I scatter myself through my life.

As I feel least capable of anything beyond breathing, and even not
for that at times, everyone else sees me as the go-to-girl for all
needs organizing. I have been volunteered to organize presentations,
to be the junior class sponsor, to head up a human rights club (which
I might do) -- just to name a few. At church, there is always
something I am volunteered to do . . . as might be expected . . . one
of the leaders of the church. And, on a more outrageous note,
walking down Melrose, some wannabe fashion diva decided he wanted to
dress me up in rock star style. However, as in all these situations,
the pants just did not fit. True, he probably was just hoping to
sell some overpriced clothes, but I chose to go with the flattering
myself mode that he thought I could fit into the pants.

Likewise, I am flattered so many people have such faith in my
abilities to be together, to lead, and to care. I wish I could see
and be what it is they see.

Then again, maybe they just see a sucker who has nothing better to
do. . .