Siddhartha and unadvising

Advice: everyone has some to give. We have all made mistakes and hope
to pass on our wisdom to others. There are red flags we wish we had
seen in the failed relationship, the miscalculated investment, the
misguided career choice. However, advice is supposed to be objective.
In the Barnes and Noble where I am writing this, I am confident there
is at least one long shelf of books dedicated to giving us advice
about love, careers, investing, enlightenment . . . anything we could
possible want to overcome or solve.

A friend called to ask me for advice in her relationship. Incidents
happen; doubts and fear arise. "Do you think I am overreacting? What
should I do?" My initial reaction: get out now. The pain I suffered
in a similar situation under very dissimilar circumstances caused my
body to react in fear and distrust. However, what one person may
tolerate another cannot. Motivations vary. There is still time. I
realized my own advice was an effort to manifest my own desires and
to remedy my own inadequacies. I told her I couldn't objectively say
what to do and instead let her talk it out more to let the answer in
her come forth.

It is a matter of awareness.

Perhaps this is where I have floundered in making decisions about
relationships in the past. I ask my friends' opinions when I feel
anxious, worried, or doubtful about a word or action or inaction. It
is dishonest of me to ask for advice. I really only want comfort and
reassurance. Sometimes I don't ask, it just comes. At the end of the
call, I am often left feeling more doubt or worry or anxiety. I could
have done that on my own.

In the end it is a matter of trust.

In my last relationship, I spent too much time worrying about how
things should be according to a million ideas of a good relationship,
only a few of which actually corresponded to my definition. I vowed
not to do that again, and realize that requires me to trust. Not him,
but myself. And I cannot trust anyone else until I learn to trust my
advice. It is good to get perspective, to have someone listen, but
advice . . . well . . .

Advice may tempt us to let our desires and the judgments, opinions,
fears and experiences of others (including ourselves) define our
reality, leading us away from what we know to be right and true for
us in that particular moment. It is what we know inside if we just
wait, listen, not seek and question.

Rather than that self-help section, I would advise advice seekers to
saunter over to Hesse's Siddhartha and follow his advice: reject all
teachers; experience lifer for yourself; all you need is to think,
fast, wait.