the waiting room

This is what I read in the waiting room at the eye clinic today,
there for my mom's final check-up after cataract surgery.

"This imbalance of head and heart turns people into addicts. In
energy terms, any behavior motivated by the fear of internal growth
qualifies as an addiction Even behavior that is usually healthy --
exercise or meditation, for instance -- can be an addiction if it is
used to avoid pain for personal insight. Any discipline can become a
willful block between our conscious and unconscious minds . . . We
eve try to direct he very guidance we are seeking. We end up living
in a seemingly endless cycle of mentally wanting change but
emotionally fearing change at every turn.
The only way to break through this pattern is to make choices that
engage the united power of the mind and the heart. I tis is easy to
keep oneself in a holding patter, claiming that one does not know
what do next. But that is rarely the true. When we are in a holding
pattern, it is because we know exactly what we should do next, but we
are terrified to act on it. Breaking through the repetition of cycle
in our lives only requires one strong choice that is aimed at
tomorrow and not yesterday. . . . But change is frightening, and
waiting for that feeling of safety to come along before one makes a
move only results in more internal torment because they only way to
acquire that feeling of security is to enter the whirlwind of change
and come out the other end, feeling alive again." (Myss 230-31)

Lately, with only a few days left in Florida, I feel like I am in a
waiting room to be called back to my life in LA. I am determined
to make changes based on lessons here, but also am nearly paralyzed
by my fear of what changes wait for me.

"That is the meaning of detachment: the realization that no one
person or group of people can determine your life's path." (Myss 242)

How do I do all this positive thinking without being invested in my
intentions, especially when I back in LA, where I have started to
root myself, to manifest what I want?

"Our task is to contribute the best of our energy to every situation
with the understanding that we influence, but do not control, what we
will experience tomorrow" (Myss 242)

So it is two more days of scrabble, long breakfasts, and practicing
loving and letting go. LA will be there when I arrive.