Why the bleep am I writing?

"There are things that I do that will evolve me and there are things I do that I know will not evolve me . . .. It's not good or bad." -- What the Bleep Do We Know?

 

After a lovely dinner with my mom, sister, and nephew (I can't remember when we last had dinner together, just us four, and it was so lovely I cried on the way home knowing that it might be our last) and then a jolting cup of coffee with Priya, I found myself wide awake late in the night with a vow to not blog.  I have plenty of non-blog writing, but chose to put that off to watch a video link I received last week.  Because of this choice, I changed my reality, recognizing that my writing is a choice I make in an effort to consciously create my experience of this life and to evolve myself. 

 

What the Bleep Do We Know?  

 

I know that though I always meant to see this movie, the delay now seems synchronous with an intention for me to see it last night, to have been prepared by prior events for that evening. 

 

"For the average person in the world who considers their life boring or uninspiring, it is because they made no attempt to gain knowledge that will inspire them  . . . they are so hypnotized by their environment, through the media... that are all illusions, that most people surrender and live their life in mediocrity . . . but if they ask themselves if there is something more . . .. they start to flirt and interact with the perception that they may be having a nervous breakdown but what really happens is their old concepts of what they are and how they view the world start to fall apart."

 

This film provided a scientific grounding, evidence, perhaps, for the philosophies I have been studying (Tolle and Myss, as mentioned in recent blogs) about the journey to awareness and consciousness.  For much of my visit to Florida I have grown frustrated with what I felt was a slide 'backwards'.  Leaving for an extended time an life that I created intentionally surrounding myself with inspiration and a constant flow of knowledge to help me not get stuck in stagnant concepts of myself or the world, I find myself in Florida where my negative emotional memories and my fears and judgments of mediocrity reappear from another universe where I thought they disappeared.  I see myself acting in ways from which I thought I had unconditioned myself.   Yet, there are triggers that seemed to set off the chemical reactions, the emotional addictions that this film so eloquently and entertainingly outlines. 

 

The key, though, I realize, is that I SEE myself doing this.  I witness it.

 

I believe that at about 5 am on December 25th, like Amanda in the movie theater at the beginning and end of the film, I both stayed and departed LA and in some form have been existing in both worlds for the past four and a half weeks.  Because this reality of my laptop I created in my head is here, the part that got on the plane seems more real, but the other still exists.  I wonder what choices is she making that is shaping what I will face when I arrive back in LA?  It is exciting and frightening what I will discover. 

 

Yet, the choices here also will create my reality each moment from now to then and are also determining what awaits me.  What if, at some point, the two merge into a synchronicity of intention?  Of all the possibilities, which will I choose to see?  Which self will see and choose the observer? 

 

 

While I know many of the choices I have made were reactionary, rooted in the old chemical patterns that are triggered by my associations with being in this house, in this state, by the patterns of my beloved family, I have chosen to read Tolle and Myss, and some part of myself still connected in LA made a choice at some point that led to my receiving of this video.   And I have chosen to witness my behavior and to become conscious of my behavior as a series of choices through writing and exercise (the only form of meditation I have succeeded in engaging in here).

 

One of the interviewees in the movie spoke of the main purpose of our spiritual journey as the development of our "gift of intentionality."  This has been a challenge that is constantly in my awareness here.

 

At the beginning of the film, we are told that matter pops in and out of existence, just a people pop on and off planes.  I always felt that when traveling there was a shift on the molecular level in my body - maybe the gaining/losing of weight that seems to reverse on the return flight, a sense of presence, a clarity, a desire -- now I know this is real, not just in travel, but with each thought.   "When we disappear me move out of our identity . . ." and when we reappear, we can choose to be whomever we want, going back or forward in time as we choose. 

 

I guess you had to see the movie . . .