Black holes and revelations

Dusting off my writing table on my balcony, I notice the mountains,
merely shadows in the haze, hidden behind the attention craving
civilization and its smog and mirror illusions. Much the way it
crowds our mind, causing us to forget what it is we connect with,
seek, need. Then, if we find it, will we recognize it, or will it
seem as intangible as the mountains from my balcony?

Yesterday the mountains loomed clear and solid for the moment I had
to step out on my balcony. I looked and left for meetings and errands.

I know if I drive out to the mountains, everything will seem obvious
and simple: no expectations, no hope (which reminds me of a Muse
song I recently discovered driven by a hauntingly passionate chorus.
Actually the entire song is on chorus and no verses, a mantra of
love, hope, and fighting against the fear of the love and hope? It
resonates with me while remaining a bit of an enigma -- "our hopes
and expectations, black holes and revelations" -- why does it
continue to linger in my mind). Yet, even knowing that, I continue
to stay here in the smog and confusion. Such is my mind and heart.
A day of clarity is often followed by one (or many) of smog.

I want simplicity and clarity of being just as the mountain,
regardless of the smog that masks and reveals it, remains outside my
window.

My weeks in Florida sent me many lessons in listening to my heart, in
awareness and in love. It was a journey like the slow bus ride up
to Monteverde, Costa Rica -- each bend in the road brings new vistas
even as you grow weary and long for an end. Then, you arrive,
tired, exhausted, yet ready to accept the peace that welcomes you.
It isn't always comfortable, but even in the rain and fog, you can
sense the beauty.

Back in Los Angeles, that sense is still there, but I cannot seem to
connect it with my surrounding and my circumstances. I am starting
to feel the inconstancy, the randomness of time. In my absence,
parts of my life stood still, now out of sync with where I am. Other
parts of life seemed to jump planes, leaving a void for that part
that now exists in some parallel universe, unfamiliar and incongruous
with my inner heart. Yet, they all exist at once, vibrating inside of
me, though with much dissonance (though dissonance can be beautiful,
anticipating the eventual resolution into harmony). In time it will
resolve in harmony, as it should be, if I just keep the simplicity
and surety of the mountain.

Patience was never my virtue. I want to bring it all together in
harmony quickly. I cannot. I want to run. But from what and to
what? I want to transform my life. I force myself hourly to stop,
breath, wait, have faith.

The most tangible manifestation of this is my relation to my
church. It is my home, my family. I am welcomed back with the same
warmth and sincerity as when I go to Florida. Yet, I cannot speak
the words of the opening prayer, about our need for Jesus to rise
about our imperfections because I know I do not believe this. I know
I am perfect and whole as I am, Jesus is a model for how to live in
awareness and love. As is Buddha and so many others.

I have found sanctuary and examples of love and human kindness and
much support in this community, but can I continue these friendships
and connections if I am spiritually not in agreement with their
philosophies? Or, perhaps, it is more about our relation to family.
We love them, we grow with them, but at some point, we move on while
still loving, finding new venues to feed our growth to allow us to
continue to bring love to all we do.

To test all this, perhaps, I stopped by the discussion group after
yoga. We looked at Mark Chapters 6 and 7. Even then, Jesus sent
the apostles out on their own, given the power of miracles within
them. However, they did not see this potential, could not even see
the miracles performed before them. Rather than bringing me closer
into the church, it reinforced this new direction, the idea of our
limitless potential if we could only gain the awareness of the power
of God, of the universe, of love inside of us.

With that, we, too, could feed thousands with five loaves and two
fish or walk on water.

With that, we could see through the smog and babble to find what our
soul craves without fear, embracing it with love and gratitude.

P.S. -- as I title this black holes and revelations, the song is
suddenly clear