lesson 2 from the Aware Show

Lesson number two:  don't forget the positive and praise.   

 

I digressed from my writing about The Aware Show and, therefore, neglected to address the wonderful second segment of the show featuring a couple who wrote a book and counsels couples on bringing consciousness and "open-hearted listening" to relationships.  Though they cater to couples, it is worthwhile to see how this discipline may apply to our relations to our selves and to others.  (Unfortunately, the guests are not listed on the website [www.theawareshow.com] and I failed to write down their names.) 

 

Some wonderful points they made:

·      There is not one reality that is more valid than the other -- both people are right in their experience.   We must accept that two opposing realities may exist simultaneously

·      From here, each may listen and safely put him/herself in the other's shoes; since there is not the goal to prove one person right or wrong, to 'win,' there is no need to justify, defend, deny, or allow fear and anger to dictate actions.

·      Asking for something does not mean you will get it, just that it will be considered.

·      Harmony grows in the mutual intention and motivation to nurture love for oneself and for one's partner.

·      All relationships have conflict and it is conflict that allows us to strengthen our connection with another if mindfulness is used to resolve the conflict. 

 

Thus, just as in mindful meditation and foster awareness of our own heart to hear what it is our heart tells us and why, we may be open to doing the same for the other person.   It is a discipline and involves trust -- in ourselves and in the other person. 

 

As I listened to this, I was able to recognize this process, or the beginnings of it, in my relations with some people, strengthening my trust in my heart and the intentions I have been meditating upon lately.  Moreover, hearing this shed a bit more clarity and confidence on what I seek in a partner.  I have experienced a glimmer of this, and know it is possible and beautiful.

 

Thich Nhat Hanh, in Taming the Tiger Within, writes about the usual cycle of anger that happens with those we love:  "When you make another suffer, he or she will try to find relief by making you suffer more."  I am ashamed to admit, I have been there and done that extremely well.  But what happens when even one of the two breaks out of this cycle, listening without judgment or anger, allowing compassion and love stop the suffering rather than anger?   It is this breaking out that these guests exemplified. 

 

Hanh goes on to describe, like the guests on this show, that "It's very natural that when you suffer, although you know how to practice, you still need the other person to help you in your practice . . . That is the language of true love."   So, perhaps, this journey need not be taken alone, maybe my seeking balance between my longing for companionship with my belief that our main task in this life is to find peace within is perfectly natural. I have been mired in literature about the personal legend and live in a culture that values individualism and independence above all else.  Is it any wonder, then, that rather than asking for help, we usually deny ourselves and the other person what we need,  "In true love, there is no pride.  You cannot pretend that you don't suffer.  You cannot pretend that you are not angry.  This kind of denial is based on pride.  'Angry?  Me?  Why should I be angry?  I'm okay.'  But in fact, you are not okay.  You are in hell.  Anger is burning you up, and you must tell your partner, your son, your daughter."   It may be fear rather than anger, or a bit of both.  Even before that, though, we must tell ourselves that we are angry, afraid or whatever emotional obstacle holds us from peace and love to ourselves.