Consuming me

High School smells of anxiety, fear, insecurity, and bravado. It
seems into my hair and clothes by the end of the day. Classrooms are
too hot or too cold. My lessons are too long or too short. The
classroom sleeps in lethargy or explodes with energy. My vision for
where each class is going is as clear as the distant mountains after
rain or hazy as a dry summer day sitting on Los Angeles.

Sitting at my desk with file folders scattered around and posters
waiting to be hung, I watch my teacher self. She knows something
needs to be done, but is not quite sure what or where to begin.
Lessons are improvised into full manifestation moments before the
relentlessly punctual bell. She moves into action, knowing the
class will be too long and too hot today. This is OK. The students
will be tired. She remembers they are just teenagers, people too,
forced to be here, playing a role. She plays her role as I look on
with a smirk and enjoyment. Can it really be this easy? Technical
delays, rambunctious boys, testing and testing, it all rolls off and
what gets done will get done. No worries, no stress.

"With teaching, I must make a concerted effort to not let it consume
my entire life," I remind myself more so than my listener.

Caffeine, a bit of planning, finding some files. I have the general
gist of what to do. More important is checking with family,
checking in with myself. I read, I write, I nourish my body with
dinner and salsa dancing. I have found a lesson that works for me:
down the street, laid back yet challenging enough to progress, fits
around my other after work activities. The lessons are rigorous and
the partners are gracious. The shoes are broken in and either my
new confidence or my first week of school sleep deprivation added to
my relaxation, enabling me to follow more smoothly than I have
before. Evidence: several good leads asked me to dance more than
one dance. I left feeling well exercised and graceful.

As with all my life activities, I must make a concerted effort to let
myself be consumed in the activity, in the moment.

Next up for consuming me this week: singing, yoga, snowboarding,
more singing and, finally, more dancing.