Confessional Mama: The Next Big Thing.

Here are some amazing writers you should follow.  I think they are much better at posting regularly than I am.   

Confessional Mama: The Next Big Thing.: The lovely Wendy Ortiz tagged me in this interview chain.  I am excited to read Wendy's book, Hollywood Notebook when it comes out ne...

Wiggle room

The theme in yoga class: developing your own personal practice. She
takes pride in her ability to practice her practice, to find her own
space and pace.

Her teacher asks her to wiggle into each pose, until she finds the one
that is hers, that fits.

A smile takes over her face as all the 'bad' decisions she's made
over the past year and a half -- the misplanned vacations, the cat,
the men, the house shopping -- are all clearly her wiggling through
various life poses, trying to find one that fits her.

My Life as a Movie

It is hard to believe, but I just watched a movie about me!!!  Ok, it was a bit dramatized in parts:  the smoking, the pills, the panic attack . . . but, my dearest friends will recognize many of my regular lines, particularly in the first half of the film.  The second half, is, of course, the happy ending I am still preparing for . . . but it will come.  And, no griping, because if you really, really know me, despite all my posturing and denying and protesting, you know I am a romantic comedy.   Must be viewed with a bottle of red wine, for complete enjoyment, just like me. 

Music as Muse

Temporary Employement post some great awe-inpsiring videos of guitar playing.  Last night, I had the privilege of seeing the Spanish Harlem Orchestra live.  Both are reminders of the joy of music, especially when share through humans that have been blessed to demonstrate limitlessness of human creativity and bliss.  I have been going to hear live salsa music at least once a week and am so lucky to live in LA, a city filled with many talented and gracious musicians (just check out some of my favorite bands on my friends list here on mpspace).  However, last night, these guys really blew me away (no offense to the locals!).  The solos just transported the dancers to another plane -- there was no thinking, no countiing, but just riding the wave of the music. 

A bit of a side story, that may be humorous only to me (and to a few others who are privy to my general state of spaciness, which I like to think I disguise fairly well in most of my life).  Moreover, it is a great example of the closeness and friendliness of the salsa world.  Before the band played, a cha cha cha came on, one of my favorite dances though many of my favorite dancers don't really like it.  So, there was a guy in his spiffy white cotton salsero shirt gooving to the cha cha cha.  I asked him to dance; he was a fun, gracious dancer.  I felt a bit humbled (and would have probably have not asked him if I had known) that he was the band's kick-ass trombonist, who played a solo I have no words to express and is a solo artist that has played at our local Granada: Jimmy Bosch!  I know in Hollywood, land of the superstars, this may seem trite, but in my little world (in which I would probably not have recognized I was dancing with Brad Pitt, if he had been there), it was exciting to have danced with someone who is so amazingly talented, yet really, just like us.  Somehow it makes me think about my choices (writing this rather than honing my 'real' writing for instance), and how, within each of us there is that capability for creativity beyond what we imagine ourselves capable.

The McCain Myth

I suspect many of you already know much of this, but a great video
from Planned Parenthod for those who still think McCain is a moderate
and in any way supports any feminist/humanist agenda: http://

www.ppaction.org/campaign/knowmccain

Forward it to friends, and, if you are able, support Planned
Parenthood, an organization that works hard both locally, providing
safe healthcare to women in all communities, and nationally, lobbying
in D.C. for laws that protect women's access to safe healthcare
(which only makes for overall healthier families and communities).

Why don't I get to make moral decisions for the public?

Taking a break from my poetry class, I will practice my ranting a bit. 

Recently, someone told me I was judgmental because I did not think playing video games where you shoot your family (as other characters in the game) was healthy quality time.  It is an opinion.  I am not saying these people are bad or immoral.   I even took part in such games at one point in my life (what else do you do when trying to stay awake between a midnight shoot and a 3 a.m. edit lab in film school?). 

However, if I were to be, let's say, a cashier at K-mart (which I once was for a brief time), and I refused to sell any copies of Grand Theft Auto III, which allows the user to have sex with prostitutes then kill them (or something close to that order), because I think it is morally corrupt, I think I would likely be fired or at least reprimanded and considered uncooperative.  Yet, it is alright for a pharmacist to refuse to sell Plan B (an intense dosage of the same medicine used in birth control pills to prevent -- not end -- pregnancy in the event that Plan A -- such as condoms-- fail) because he/she feels it is morally wrong.  Morally wrong?  To make sure something I don't want to happen to my body does not happen?  Yet, it is alright for me to buy a video game for my teenager that, in my opinion, teaches him/her that aggression can be entertaining and that it is alright at times to disrespect women (though defenders of the game say that points are taken away for the sex-kill option yet) that MAY lead to real life aggression in sexual relations, perhaps pressuring girls into unprotected, maybe even unwanted sex (though I do not mean to imply that girls never want sex, but maybe not with icky boys/men who play overly violent video games) who may then need, but not be able to buy, Plan B.   

Ok, so maybe that is a bit judgmental.  However, my point is not to take down Grand Theft Auto; I don't think Grand Theft Auto has that much power, though it  does not seem to have any redeeming value either.  However, I doubt that being denied a copy of Grand Theft Auto would adversely effect the future of young men in the same way that being denied Plan B or abortion could adversely effect the future of a young woman.  Beside, I am not out advocating for banning anything, not even Grand Theft Auto.  Or SUV's.  But that's another rant, which I think gas prices will probably make obsolete soon.  

This is why its called a depression

A fascinating article from BBC: http://news.bbc.co.uk/2/hi/americas/

7426794.stm

Though the intentions of the group who took the photos seems to be
genuine, I can't help but feel these people are now more at risk,
exposed.

Yet, moreover, I am awed by the fact that tribes exist that are not
in contact with the rest of the world. My students are truly
addicted to electronics. They seem as compelled to text message
their friend across the room or in the next class as an alcoholic is
compelled to drink.

I wonder what it would be like to live in a community where each had
to participate for the survival of all. I feel jaded and disconnected.

First, even out in East Los Angeles, where I usually fill up on my
way to Spanish class, the gas has gone up to over $4 a gallon without
any indication of stopping.

Today, my school laptop was stolen. Though not my own property, it
is the computer I was assigned to use for work and, teaching
filmmaking and media, I did use it a lot. I have backups of
everything. Yet, it somehow feels very personal. I've had other
equipment stolen, which, though limiting our access in times of run
down batteries and such, did not take anyone's personal work or
inhibit the running of the class. On this computer were my personal
work files -- all my lessons, work emails, and, the biggest lost,
copies of our first semester projects. I am sure i have a back up of
those somewhere, but I am not sure where at the moment. At my
school, stolen laptops are common. However, it is also likely to
have been an employee. My room was locked (we were having a great
video shoot in the girl's restroom . .. lots of fun and creativity
happening, for once!) only to return to my room sans laptop. My room
has a key that limited people have. It is rather mysterious and sad
and frustrating.

Is it so much to ask to just be able to go in and teach student
without having to worry about locking down each tool I have to teach,
each pencil and computer and camera and light? It just seems to
amplify an anxiety, distrust and desperation (the thief's not mine)
that I expect to increase as I see the economy spiral into a black
hole of its own creation.

Then somewhere, in the forests of Brazil and Peru, are tribes that
have somehow managed to survive without being sucked into cell
phones, tv, credit cards, home mortgages, and really lovely laptop
computers. I doubt i could survive there and I know I am somewhat
romanticizing their isolation. I lost a laptop that wasn't mine and
will minimal information that can be used to harm me. Their entire
environment is under threat by loggers and developers. It puts it
all into perspective, but I still think I need that second glass of
wine tonight.

Poetry class and news rants

If I had more time i would write this all in iambic pentameter, which
is what I have been doing for my new poetry class.

The course is called "By Art, Not Chance," which is what sold me on
this class (versus some fiction writing classes that were all about
finding one's muse) because I feel my writing (mostly blogs) is too
much by chance, not enough about art. So each week we study a poetic
form, read and analyze examples of the form, then write in that form.
It is fun and challenging and I am actually enjoying (and writing
better) in form than just free versing or freewriting. It feels
intentional; the form forces revision and new ways of saying what I
want to say leading to more precision.

Yet, it is has been so long since I posted something . . . so let me
turn to some news items.

First, education. There is so much about testing and No Child Left
Behind. I am not a big fan of testing, but the new buzzline seems to
want to blame testing for the failure of schools. Yes, standardized
tests reflect the narrow-minded and robotic logic of bureaucracy.
Yes, they were originally used to support Eugenics and racial
discrimination. Yes, they are boring and test standards set by an
outside source. OK, that last one is a weak argument as no everything
in life worth doing is 'fun' and, moreover, the fact remains that
students are bombing these tests of standards that most educated
people at some point had to learn. Students are not just getting a
little bit less than we want them to, but they are failing with gusto.
These tests are not like the SAT or the GRE -- they are not trying to
weed out the Ivy leagues material from the community college material
(though, yes, we know that is mostly a class issue anyway), but are
testing basic skills. This week I taught students how to breakdown a
screenplay, starting with marking scenes by 8ths of a page. This
involved using fractions and things like, if a scene is a whole page,
8/8, then we mark it as 1. Or, if we have 6/8 of a scene on page 2
and 5/8 of that scene on page 3, how may 8ths of a page is the scene?
At least half of the students had trouble with this math. About a
quarter of them could not properly write the fractions. It is
disheartening and sad. As far as I know, you don't need a college
degree to be a 1st AD on a film set, yet, if you can do it (which
requires basic understanding of math) you can be bringing home a few
thousand dollars a week. Another example we all may have experienced.
Have you ever been at you local chain coffee shop and your order
comes to, say, $3.05. You had the cashier a $5. He/she enters it and
waits for hte machine to tell the change. You find a nickle and give
it to him/her so you don't have to get a handful of change and you see
the look of panic on the cashier's face as this now means he/she will
have to figure out your change ON THEIR OWN. My point. Over-testing
is a bit rampant, but it is not totally inaccurate. More testing will
not solve the problem. Neither will budget cuts or blaming the
teachers or hiring more administrators. On NPR there was a story
about a teacher who refused to give the state standardized test. He
was suspended until the testing period was over and when asked why he
thought he knew better he said, "Because I am the one who is trained
to teach students." The obvious solution then would be to hire more
teachers (and thus reduce class sizes). Maybe, if they weren't in a
math class with 39 other students more of my students would have known
that 5/8 + 6/8 = 11/8 or 1 3/8.

Second is the energy crisis. It is a crisis. The story I heard on
NPR was about how biofuel only exasperates the hunger problem in
neighboring countries. Yet, many of my LA neighbors continue to drive
Hummers (some are biofuel, I am told, but we just showed how that is
not a friendly solution) and Escalades and all other kind of gas
guzzling cars. Our country seems more than willing to legislate what
a woman should do with her own body (legal abortion is far from safe
in our country; and even when it is legal, it doesn't stop many who
think they know better from trying to keep women and doctors from
exercising that right through violent ends), yet, we are outraged at
the idea of legislating the size of car citizens can drive. Why can
we not have laws requiring manufacturers to ONLY produce cars that are
hybrids or that get at least 30 or 40 mpg (the technology is there, we
have cars that do that, so why allow them to do otherwise)? So what
if that means they can't produce a car bigger than an Accord or Camry.
There could be a lengthy process to apply for a truck, SUV, or
industrial vehicle that is necessary for work, requiring extensive
counseling sessions about the global environmental and health effects
of your gas-guzzling addiction, graphic photos of children starving,
of cancer-invaded bodies, and of bioregions dying from pollution or
global warming. I don't really see the dilemma here. Except, I
suppose, for politicians, auto industry executives and oil industry
executives who might wonder how they will survive on only millions
rather than billions.

Daily Gifts

Juggling more books books and DVD's than I can read or watch before
the due dates, someone calls out, "Are you interested in yoga?"

I turn, not sure if he is addressing me, to an old man, slightly
stooped, standing by his open car door in the handicap spot. "Uh,
yes," I respond. I am wearing my yoga pants, so perhaps the
question is not so far fectched.

"Then maybe you would like these," he takes from the top of a large
pile of books an aniquated plastic box housing a cassette set of yoga
lessons and a brown boxed Yoga Deck II. "These were my wife's. She
died a few years ago."

"I'm so sorry."

"I'm just trying to clean stuff out. She liked yoga. Here take both."

I explain I don't have a cassette player anymore to use the tapes,
but am glad to take the yoga deck. "I teach high school and so this
could be fun to have for us to pick a pose of the day." I wanted him
to feel his wife's things are going to touch the lives of many, to be
well used.

As I once again balance the library books with the yoga deck on top,
fiddling to open my mailbox, I think how I should have asked her
name. I pull out an enevelope from England. Mysterious since I
know no one in England.

I open it first. Out spills a handfull of postcards with the
beautifully sad, funny poems of Rachel Fox, whose offer to send me
some of her postcards I had forgotten.

These were tangible gifts, but really, I think, each day we are given
beauty and inspiration in ways that we cannot touch or name, but
because they come from people we already know, somehow, we take that
for granted: a phone call, a cup of coffee, a ride to/from the
airport, a shared hike. . .

How my Christian Mother unknowingly taught me the detachment of Buddha

I found this today cleaning up my email folders (much as I would
chide her for spending so much time cleaning through her files and
notes and coupons -- it is all the the same, paper or electronic).
This was her response when I asked her what she wanted to for
Christmas on what we expected, but never knew for sure, would be her
final Christmas.

> Gift Cert. to Olive Garden so maybe someone can pick my up a soup/
> slad some day on their way
> here.
>
>
> black pens with soft thick holder - I
> think it is BIC
>
> spiral calendar that shows by the
> month - days about 2x2 with bold dates.
>
> Crest spin toothbrush/
>
> Nice blank cards in a box or all
> occasion will do too. (arttistic - book store has some)
>
> candles - but no strong or floral
> scent - cinnamon - or earth scents - peppermint - I
> do not need holders
> just candles.
>
> PS: you know all the money to get here is
> more than needed

I don't know if this sort of response taught me the art of
selflessness and of keeping the materialism of our world at bay just
a bit, or did it teach me to never really ask for what I need or
want. Not to make her out to be some saint. She could play the
martyr a bit too well, at times. Yet, I also know this list was
sincere and genuine. Her hands hurt and the thick pens made her life
a bit easier to keep her notes of appointments and medicines in her
calendar, much needed to assist her failing memory. I am sure her
real request would have been health, but no fortune could by that, so
why ask for more than you need?

I will go with the first lesson.

Now, let me go add more things to my amazon wishlist, which few will
ever bother looking at except for me. Gifts are wonderful, but in
the end, as the saying goes, it really is the thought that matters.